


The Capacity for Hope

by QianLan



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Pining, Post-TLJ, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 13:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13031892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QianLan/pseuds/QianLan
Summary: Poe is numb, and while he can say all the right things, deep down, he’s having a hard time right now holding onto hope.





	The Capacity for Hope

**Author's Note:**

> As it says in the tags, SPOILERS for _The Last Jedi_.

 

 

If Poe knew how to do anything besides fly, it was to project an air of confidence.  To be a soldier in this war—hell, especially to be a pilot—one needed to develop an aura of calm assurance.  You had to be able to smile in the face of adversity, especially when all you wanted to do was run away or scream or cry.  _Fake it till you make it_ , he often repeated to himself.

 

Immediately after Crait, Poe found that mantra echoing in his head as he mingled with the remaining members of the Resistance on the Falcon, trying hard not to focus on how few of them were left, how many weren’t there.

 

Poe had been trying to reach out to everyone, make sure they were all okay.  His smile was wide as he crouched down to talk to Lieutenant Vynn.  He made sure to maintain eye contact, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.  _That’s my job now_ , he thought.  _Inspire and lead._ He looked over at Leia, who gave him a quick wink before returning to her conversation with Rey.

Poe refocused, trying his hardest to project confidence. _Keep morale high.  Reassure them we’re going to get through this._

 

_Because we are going to get through this._

_Right?_  

 

He blinked and for a moment, his smile faltered before he remembered himself and schooled it back into place.

 

After a few more minutes, he stood, giving Vynn’s shoulder a squeeze. 

 

Poe turned and studied the lounge.  Most everyone was still smiling, although their initial euphoria at escaping Crait was slowly petering off.  Poe could already feel a resigned weariness settling over the group.

 

Poe’s smile fell as he spotted Finn standing next to Rose’s bunk.  He swallowed, watching Finn’s brow crease in concern, all of his attention on Rose’s unconscious form.  Poe shook his head and started towards the cockpit. 

 

He heard a familiar trilling and turned.  BB-8 came rolling up, asking if he was okay.

 

“Yeah, buddy!  Nothing but happy beeps here.”  He smiled and knelt down, placing a light kiss on the droid’s dome.  “Now, go keep an eye on things, okay?  I’m going to go check in with Chewie.”

 

Bee beeped in the affirmative and rolled back towards the lounge.

 

Poe took in a deep breath, thankful that the cockpit was set apart from the rest of the ship.  He walked in and tapped Chewie’s shoulder, making sure that his voice was light as he said, “Go.  Rest.  I’ll take the next shift.”  The Wookiee rose, telling Poe he’d be back in a few hours.  “Take your time,” Poe said, sliding into the seat. 

 

When he was sure the Wookiee was gone, he sank back into it, scrubbing his hands over his face and trying to focus on the panels in front of him.  “Happy beeps,” he muttered.

 

He closed his eyes and felt a wave of exhaustion crash over his body.  He was beyond spent.

 

He swallowed hard and opened his eyes, taking in where he was. 

 

There would have been a time—not too long ago, in fact—when the very idea that he’d be piloting the Millennium Falcon would’ve made Poe giddy with excitement.  At the very least, he would’ve made some sort of undignified noise and rubbed Jess’ nose in it.

 

 _Jess,_ he thought, his hands clenching.

 

_Snap._

_Yolo._

_Bastian._

 

He took in a sharp breath and forced himself to stop.

 

If he started trying to list their names… 

 

His breathing hitched and he turned to face the white nothingness of hyperspace.

 

He wanted to feel something, really he did, but he was too tired to cry.

 

He stared out _.  I should do something._

_I need to do something._

_Haven’t you done enough?_ He felt the bile rise up in his throat.  He closed his eyes, wishing the tears would come, praying that he could feel it, that it would sink in and finally become real.  Maybe pain or grief or something, anything, would displace this hollow sense of guilt he felt.

 

_It’s all my fault._

 

His tongue darted out, running along his chapped lips and he remembered how it felt after his mother had died, that same sort of hollow feeling—like his heart had shriveled up into nothing, like the very thing that made him Poe had died along with her.

 

He remembered ramming his fist into a wall, his father yelling at him, his knuckles scraped and bleeding, feeling desperate for some sort of sensation—anything to jerk him out of the overwhelming numbness—and the terrifying sense that he’d lost the capacity to feel anything, that he’d fallen into some nameless, emotionless space, a terrible place far out of reach, where nothing—not laughter or pain or anything else—would ever be able to touch him again.

 

Poe shuddered at the thought.  _I’m not going back there._

_I will not go back there._

 

He closed his eyes as he realized, _but I can’t feel it yet, either._

_Not yet._

 

He knew if he took the time to think about what had happened, to really process everyone they’d lost, that he’d break into a million little pieces. 

 

_And they’d never put me back together again._

 

Poe’s heart started hammering in his chest.  _I can’t do this._

_I can’t do this._

_I cannot—_

 

A hand touched his shoulder and Poe jerked out of his trance.

 

“Mind if I…”  It hung there, Finn’s lips pressed together as he looked from Poe to the empty co-pilot’s seat.

 

Poe scrubbed a hand over his face.  “Yeah.  Sure.  Of course.”  He took a deep breath, forcing himself to sound light.  “How are you doing?”

 

He winced _.  Stupid kriffing question._

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.  “I’m…”  He turned and looked out into hyperspace.  “I’m okay.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe answered.  _We’re all sinking._

_We’re all sinking, and I’m the one that’s supposed to stop it._

_You have to stop it, Poe._

 

He reached over and put his hand on Finn’s arm.  “We’re gonna make it, Finn.  I have to believe that.”  _I just have to._

_Because otherwise…_

Poe felt himself start to shake.

 

“We have to make it,” Poe repeated.  “And we will,” he said, hearing how his voice waivered and hoping against hope that Finn didn’t notice.

 

Finn turned to him and gave him a solemn smile, like a man resigned to his fate.  “I believe you, Poe.”  It was a lie and it wasn’t.

 

They both turned back to study the stars streaking past them.

 

Poe blinked a few times, scared to be alone with his thoughts.  “How’s Rose?”

 

Finn looked down, staring at his hands as his fingers brushed against the console.  “Don’t know.  Rey says…”  His fingers stilled.  “Rey’s not sure.”

 

Poe nodded _.  Kriffing hell._  

 

 _All my fault. This is all my fault._ Poe tensed and forced himself to muster up some false optimism. “I’m sure she’ll—”

 

“Poe, don’t.”

 

Poe opened his mouth to protest and then closed it.  He stared at Finn, watching as the younger man’s fingers moved along the panel in front of him.  As he sat, mesmerized by Finn’s hands, he said, “She’s a special lady.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And I know she means a lot to you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Poe wanted to scream.  He wanted to get up and pull Finn into a hug and make all his pain go away, and he wanted to fix Rose and to jump into an X-wing and go hunt down the bastards who had hurt her, and he wanted to ignore that feeling in his chest when he thought about Finn and Rose together, and he wanted to put his fist into another wall because he had no right to be jealous of her. 

 

_None._

 

He reached out and squeezed Finn’s shoulder.  “She’ll make it,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

Finn nodded.  “Thanks,” he managed.  He moved his hand up to where Poe’s lingered on his shoulder.  He patted it.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, squeezing again before making to let go.

 

Finn’s hand clamped down on Poe’s, holding it there. 

 

Poe closed his eyes, just savoring the feel of Finn's hand on his, like it was a tether, the only thing keeping him from flying off into the void.  Poe felt Finn's body shake.  He opened his eyes to see tears leaking out of Finn's eyes.

 

“Oh, buddy, no,” Poe said, standing and pulling Finn up into a hug.  “It’s gonna be okay.  She’s gonna be okay.” 

 

Finn let his head sink onto Poe’s shoulder, all of the tension and anger and adrenaline from the past few days rushing out of him.

 

Poe wrapped his hands around Finn, his throat suddenly tight as he fought to keep his own tears at bay _.  I have to be strong._

_I’m their leader now and I can’t…_

_I can’t…_

 

Poe shook as his began to sob.  He pulled Finn in tighter and the two of them cried.

 

**# # # #**

 

It felt like hours before Poe tentatively stepped back.  He sniffed and turned, running a hand through his hair.

 

Finn wiped his eyes and looked over at Poe, who was doing the same.  “So that happened.”

 

Poe actually smiled.  “Yeah, it did.”

 

Finn smiled as he studied Poe—the stubble, the crinkles set next to his eyes, that one curl that refused to stay in place.  He absently reached out and brushed the lock of hair back up off Poe’s forehead.

 

“Thanks,” Poe breathed out.  His whole being had gone tense at Finn’s touch.  _He doesn’t mean anything by it.  He loves…_ He couldn’t bring himself to think it.  Poe licked his lips, clearing his throat and pointing at the console.  “Course correction soon.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, turning to stare out into the white nothingness ahead of them. 

 

Neither made a move to sit down.

 

Poe looked over at Finn.  “Have I told you how amazing you were today?”

 

Finn ducked his head.  “Didn’t feel amazing.”

 

“It never does, I don’t think.  Not when you’re doing it for the right reasons.”  He tried not to think too much about Holdo.

 

“Deep,” Finn said, chancing a saucy little glance back over at Poe.

 

Poe met his eye and broke into a tiny smile.  “I try.”

 

Finn grinned, shaking his head. 

 

Poe had this terrifying weightless feeling in his stomach as their eyes met.  If hope could ever be bottled up and distilled, drinking it would feel like what he was feeling at this moment.  Poe’s smile grew.

 

Rey cleared her throat from the doorway.

 

Neither Poe nor Finn looked away from each other.

 

“Yeah,” Finn asked over his shoulder.

 

“Are you two okay,” she asked.

 

Finn’s eyes widened just enough to ask Poe that same question and Poe gave a tiny, nearly imperceptible nod.

 

Finn finally broke eye contact to turn to Rey.  “Yeah, we’re good.  You?”

 

Rey shrugged.  “I’m going to do a quick inventory of what’s in the cargo hold and…”  She gave him a half-hearted smile.

 

“You should rest,” Poe said, turning to study her.  _Kriff.  Do we all look that bad?_   “We all should.”

 

“I will.”  Rey nodded.  “I promise.”  Her eyes lingered on the two of them for a moment, a sad little smile on her face, before she turned and walked away.

 

Poe sat back down in the pilot’s seat and leaned back.  He rubbed both of his hands against his eyes and groaned.

 

“You know, you’re gonna need to rest too,” Finn said.

 

“I know, buddy.”  _But I really don’t want to have those dreams, the dreams where they’re all still alive, the dreams where I wake back up to this._   Poe sighed.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a man who is going to do the smart thing and rest.”

 

“I don’t see _you_ resting.”

 

Finn chuckled.  He then turned and studied Poe.  “You know that you don’t have to be on all the time, right?”

 

Poe made some sort of garbled sound, halfway between a laugh and a resigned sigh.  “Don’t I,” he asked, his voice hollow and unsure.

 

“No,” Finn said.

 

Poe tried to face Finn, but found that looking at the other man right now just made him want to cry.  He looked down at the floor.  “I just really don’t want to…”  He shook his head.  “I just need _not_ to sleep for a while, okay buddy?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Sure,” he said, sitting back down.

 

“That doesn’t mean that you have to—”

 

Finn shook his head.  “Don’t feel much like sleeping, either.”

 

Poe nodded and then frowned.  “You don’t have to stay here with me, you know.”

 

“I know,” Finn said.  “But what if I _want_ to be here with you?”

 

Poe took in a sharp breath.  Hope cut into his chest and he didn’t know if it stung or tickled.  “Thanks,” he just barely managed.

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.

 

They fell into a heavy silence, both trying to settle their thoughts, to simply feel one thing instead of everything.

 

Eventually, Finn said, “She kissed me, you know?”

 

“She…wait, Rose?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Yeah, just before.”  He looked over at Poe.  “She kissed me.”

 

Poe didn’t think he could feel any worse than he already did.  He was wrong.  He forced a smile.  “Yeah?”

 

Finn frowned.  “Yeah, but…”  He sighed.  “I don’t think it…it wasn’t…”  He looked back out into hyperspace, his fingers clenched around the edge of the console.  “It’s not…”  He took a deep breath and said, resignedly, “I love her, but I don’t... Not in that way.”  He looked down.  “Not about her, anyway.”

 

“Oh,” Poe said, and before he could even allow himself hope, he thought, _Rey_.  “Not the right girl, eh?”  He prayed he sounded light.

 

Finn shook his head.  “Not the right being, no.”  He looked at his hands.  “But now…”  His face bunched up.

 

“You feel guilty?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, running his fingers across the console, trying to look anywhere but at Poe.  “She’s lying in there because of me and—”

 

“She’s lying in there because of the Order,” Poe said, surprised by the passion in his voice.  “They’re the bastards here, not you.”

 

Finn smiled ruefully and nodded, never taking his eyes off his fingers.  “Yeah,” he muttered, wanting to believe it.

 

Poe frowned.  “Hey, if you want to go back and talk to Rey…”

 

“Why would I want to talk to Rey?”

 

“About the kiss,” Poe said.  “About…”  He sighed.  _Screw it.  You want him to be happy, don’t you?_  “Look,” Poe said, turning, “if the past few days have taught me anything, it’s that you might not get the chance to say goodbye or to…to, to tell a being that you love them or…”  _I will not cry.  Not again_.  He shook, forcing himself to keep his eyes locked on Finn.  “So, if there is someone you have feelings about—someone who is here and is still alive—you should go tell them.  Now.  Jump in, consequences be damned.”

 

Finn’s hand stilled and he smiled.  “Isn’t that the exact opposite of what—”

 

“Dammit, Finn, when it comes to love, I don’t think you can play it safe.”  _Hypocrite_ , he thought at himself as his chest clenched.  Then, he told Finn the one truth he’d been wrestling with since Finn had woken up, “You play it safe and it’s a sure-fire way to end up getting your heart broken.”

 

Finn turned.  “Has that happened to you?”

 

 _That’s what’s happening to me right kriffing now._   “I…”  Poe closed his eyes.  “It’s complicated, buddy.”

 

“So, it’s complicated for you, but I should run off and tell this being that I love him?”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  “You should.  Because if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you, and—”

 

“What about you?”  Finn said, trying to catch Poe’s eyes.  “Hmmmm?”

 

“What about me?”  _Just run off and tell her.  Leave me in here to wallow by myself._

_It’s what I deserve._

 

Finn pressed, “You have someone you love, someone you need to tell?”

 

“Buddy, it’s—”

 

“No, Poe.  It’s not a complex question.  It’s simple.  Yes or no.  Do you have—”

 

“He loves someone else,” Poe barked out.

 

Finn scowled and Poe couldn't read it.  _Why does he care?  Why can't he just..._

 

Finn reached over and put his hand on Poe’s knee.  “I’m sorry.”

 

Poe jerked away, standing and running a hand through his hair.  “Yeah, well, that’s why I think you should go tell her.”

 

“Poe, I don’t love Rose.”

 

“Not Rose!  Rey!”

 

Finn leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling.  “Rey?”  He laughed a bitter laugh.  “Really?  No.”  He looked back over at Poe and slowly stood.  “She’s my best friend in the universe, but…”  He shook his head.  “No.”

 

“Then, who in the hell is it because I can’t think of another—”

 

“It’s you,” Finn murmured.

 

“It’s…”  Poe froze. 

 

_What?_

 

It was too much.  He’d gone from feeling every nasty feeling in the book to feeling like he might just float away; it was like doing a barrel roll in an X-wing.  He sucked in a breath and grabbed the chair behind him.  “You what?”

 

Finn shook his head, eyes on the floor.  “I shouldn’t have…”  He made a move to leave.  “Look, man, I’m sorry, I’ll just—”

 

“No,” Poe’s arm darted out.  He grabbed Finn’s arm.  “No, I just…”  He pulled Finn towards him.  “You…me?”

 

Finn looked up and didn’t know how to read the look on Poe’s face.  He opened his mouth and couldn’t think of what to say, so instead, he moved his hand to Poe’s cheek.  “Yeah, nerfherder, you.”

 

Poe closed his eyes and leaned into it.

 

Finn felt his heart skip, a thousand conflicting emotions bouncing around in his chest.  “Poe,” he whispered.  It was a plea and a question.

 

Poe’s eyes opened, glistening with tears.  An answer.

 

Finn tugged ever so slightly, pulling Poe towards him and closing his eyes as he felt Poe’s lips brush against his own. 

 

It was light, tentative, wonderful.  And for a brief moment, everything else—the losses, the hurt, the anger, the fear—all of it melted away as Poe wrapped a hand around Finn’s waist and Finn stepped closer, deepening the kiss.

 

Poe’s mind went blank in the very best way possible as he sunk into the feeling of Finn’s body pressed up against his.  And even if it wasn’t real, even if he was dreaming this, Poe promised himself he didn’t care.  It was the best, most beautiful dream Poe could ever remember having and for these brief few minutes, Finn was real and he was his and everything was going to be okay.

 

 _Everything is going to be okay._ Poe felt fat tears roll down his cheeks and he pressed in, even harder, wanting to feel just this and have nothing else weighing him down.

 

“Finn,” he whispered.

 

“I know,” Finn said, kissing at the stubble on his jaw.  “I know.”

 

Finn’s mouth found Poe’s once again and soon Finn was moaning as his hands found their way into Poe’s hair.  The two of them stumbled into the co-pilot’s chair, laughing and readjusting, as they leaned back in for more.

 

And when they finally did pull apart, lips swollen and aching, skin flushed, and hands shaking, they were both still a bit dazed, each trying to figure out what to say next.

 

“So…that happened,” Finn finally said.

 

Poe laughed, shaking his head.  “Yeah, it did.”

 

Finn gave him a soft smile.  “I’m glad.”

 

“Me too.”

 

The realities of their situation were rushing back upon them far too quickly, but they both remained where they stood, staring at each other, amazed, as they allowed themselves this one scrap of happiness.

 

Poe shoved his hands into his pockets, ducking his head down before looking up at Finn through his eyelashes.  “So,” he said.

 

“So,” Finn repeated.

 

Poe had a million questions he wanted to ask, a million ways he wanted to say _I love you.  I’m so grateful you marched into my life._ But also: _I wish things were different._  And then, with the weight of the Resistance settling firmly onto Poe's shoulders: _There’s no way we can do this._

_Not now._

_Not like this._

 

“Ummmm…”  _I'm their leader now.  And sometimes that means..._   He took a breath and raised his chin. 

 

And then, a brief flash of a memory—his parents laughing as he ran, cackling, through the house.  _Mom and Dad made it work._

_Love.  War.  The potential for loss._

_They had hope._  

 

“Poe,” Finn asked.

 

Poe closed his eyes for one brief second, finding that place deep inside him, the place that never gave up, that was determined to believe.  _Hope_.  He opened his eyes and looked at Finn.  _Please, universe, just let me have this_.  “Uh, with us?  This…  I’d like to if you would?”  Poe held his breath.  _Please._

 

It felt like a million years to Poe before Finn answered, “I would.”  Finn reached over and squeezed Poe’s hand.  “I’d like that a lot.”

 

Poe let out his breath.  “Good,” he said.  He wasn’t sure how this sense of profound happiness was going to feel seated next to all of his grief and sadness, but for right now, he wasn’t going to question it.

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, his eyes bright.  “Good.”  He squeezed Poe’s hand again and then let it go, nodding at the door.  “I should…”

 

“Yeah, of course.”  Poe moved back towards the pilot’s seat.

 

Finn stopped at the door and turned.  “But, Poe?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“We’re gonna make it.  I really believe that.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Yeah?”

 

“Hell yeah,” Finn said.  For a moment, their eyes met and they could both feel it—some electric sort of thing that filled them both with a sense of optimism.  There was a future for the Resistance. 

 

And for them.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, truly believing for the first time in hours that things were changing for the better.  He turned and sat in the pilot’s chair, getting ready for the course adjustment and finally allowing himself to feel.

 

And as the good and the bad rushed at him and his eyes filled with tears yet again, Poe found himself comforted by the thought that after everything, they still had each other and they still had love. 

 

“We’re gonna do this,” he whispered as the Falcon streaked bright through the darkness, a beacon of hope in an otherwise dark galaxy.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> **Thank you for reading!**
> 
>  
> 
> As always, I appreciate all comments and kudos.


End file.
